Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Why is it that most of my memories from chidhood are so dark? Of parents fighting? Of yelling and cursing? I know that we had good times, but it's the dark times that seem to stick in my mind.

I often wonder what childhood memories my boys will have when they reach my age.

My parents were good parents. Don't get me wrong. I don't have a doubt in my mind that they loved their kids. They loved us with all their hearts and took the best care of us that they knew how.

I was fifteen when true despair first touched our lives. That's when my oldest brother was killed at the age of twenty and my parents just never recovered.

It seems like since then it's been one tragedy after another. I know that there's been a lot of joy, but I have to be honest, life has sometimes (often) just been hard.

This blog has been a lifesaver for me the last seven months, but I still struggle about how honest to be. What will people think? How much do I reveal?

It's hard sometimes to struggle with depression. Am I depressed? Is it normal to go from being happy to feeling the darkest, deepest despair all in one day? To go from laughter to tears in the span of 24 hours? I've done that today. I've done that often.

When you are young, you never consider that these children that you have will one day struggle with their demons or, heaven forbid, be diagnosed with cancer. Then life just throws all these "things" at you and you just have to "deal".

That's what I'm doing right now. I'm "dealing". I know that there are a lot of parents who have had to deal with a lot worse things than I've had to contend with and I realize that I really have a lot to be happy about, but sometimes it's just hard. Sometimes, I just become overwhelmed.

I'm dealing with the "low" of the fact that my baby has cancer. I'm dealing with the "high" of the fact that's he's obtained remission. I'm dealing with the "unknown" of what tomorrow might bring.

Today I've felt true happiness and laughter - and have cried tears of exhaustion and uncertainty - and that's what many of my days consist of; going from one extreme to another.

I'm not asking for sympathy or advice. I'm just honestly expressing myself at this moment. I know that tomorrow will be another day and things will go on - and I will be fine. I've been told to just enjoy the fact that Tanner has reached remission, and I honestly do, but I also worry and I just feel like being honest about that tonight.

Tanner told me that he was tired of being the "center of attention". I think that both of us are just wanting life to return to "normal" and have to adjust to the fact that things will be different from now on. Our lives have changed.

I'm working with the drug company to get the insurance to help cover Tanner's maintenance medications and, hopefully, we can get that all straightened out this week.

The insurance company keeps denying medications and saying that the insurance has been terminated. EVERY time I try to get a medication filled, it takes hours to get the insurance company to realize that Tanner has coverage and I'm getting really frustrated.

I was on the phone with the Revlamid people tonight at 8:00 p.m. and we are working to get the insurance to help cover the needed medications and I'm tired of having to go through this every time Tanner needs a prescription filled.

We need to get him started on his maintenance program, and this insurance situation just wears me out. As I've been told over and over, I need to look on the bright side. I need to see the glass half full.

Hang in there with me. It will be all good tomorrow.

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