Wednesday, November 24, 2010
In December Tanner will have been in remission for a year. He tolerates his maintenance chemo well and seems to be doing great in his personal life lately. Thankful? Thankful doesn't describe the depth of my feelings for this fact...
I'm thankful for my boy's grandmother Jane and grandfather Jerry for loving us so and always being there for us. I'm thankful for their Dad, stepmother, and grandfather for loving the boys no matter what.
I'm thankful for my job and the people I work with. Pat, Bruce, Alicia, and all my agents - again there are just no words adequate to express my appreciation for all you've done for me and Tanner this last year.
I'm thankful to Traci and her family and also Big Granny and Aunt Judy - and all the family on that side who have supported Tanner and I this last year.
I've saved them for last... Probably because they are so very essential to me and my survival. I am so thankful to my Aunt Gerry and her kids Kathy, Kirk, Kevin, Joan, Bobby and Diana. They took me in over twelve years ago when my life drastically changed and have taken care of me and my boys ever since. I'm thankful also for all their kids who have become like my own, Jesse, Rebecca, Iris, Eva, Kelson, Brian, Linda, Brennan, Stephen, and Beth (the daughter of my heart). I love them all...
I'm thankful that, though time doesn't erase, it does heal...
Friday, November 19, 2010
I came home from work around 4:30 p.m. and Tanner and I met with the wish granters from Make a Wish. They had asked him to make two wishes. The first wish being the one he would really want to do and then a second choice.
His first choice was to go to one of the small islands of Hawaii and his second choice was Key West, Florida.
Kim (the lady from Make a Wish) asked him what kind of physical limitations he might have (since he's still in a brace and uses a crutch) and then asked him if he would like to go on a helicopter tour of the island in Hawaii. He was really excited by the idea. Of course, I was sitting there thinking "helicopter??".
He told them he had done research online and if Key West was the wish granted, he would like to do a jet sky tour - and he had the information to give them on the service that provides the tours.
I hope that he gets granted one of his wishes. It would be such a wonderful experience for him. The wish granters that were here tonight told him it would be a vacation of his dreams; that the Make a Wish foundation goes over the top to make sure the wish is above and beyond anything you could imagine. It would be something I would never be able to give him myself.
The other side of me just becomes very emotional that he has a disease that qualifies him for something like Make a Wish. You would think after more than a year of this, I would not still have so many of these moments where I struggle so.
After they all left, I just sat on the couch staring into space for a long time and Trevor asked me what I was doing. I told him I was thinking and that sometimes I just struggle. He told me to always remember it could be worse.
Surprising as it may sound, I have issues in my own personal life that, in conjunction with Tanner's illness, overwhelm me sometimes. Lately, I seem to have a lot of these issues and I find I can't sleep and getting through the days become a struggle.
I've been thinking about going back to the doctor and asking to be put back on anti-depressants. I guess we'll see if I pull out of this on my own. I really hate to go back on medication but I've got to admit some of these days have been really, really, hard.
Trevor went out for a friend's birthday and Tanner went to his girlfriend's house so I went for a long walk and ended up spending a little while this evening venting with Kirk.
Thank you Kirk, for all you've done for me and my family.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
After the year we have had, that's a good thing!
We had an agent meeting for my work this past weekend that ran through Tuesday so Tanner spent some time with his dad and step-mom. It's easier for me when I have something busy to do like the meeting where I'm going to be gone until late at night for days in a row to know that he's somewhere safe where I can count on not having to worry about him.
I know he's 18 now, but what does a mother do? It's our job to worry... I think I worry about him more now at 18 than I did at 8. LOL!
His treatment has been going without any complications lately. He goes back to the doctor this Friday at 1 p.m. and I need to let them know that he needs to get in and out as quickly as possible. We have a couple coming to our home at 4:30 on Friday from the Make A Wish Foundation to talk to him about his wish.
I ask myself why this wonderful opportunity for Tanner to have a wish granted makes me feel like crying. It's just that I never in my wildest dreams ever imagined that he would be in a position to ever be granted anything from a foundation like Make A Wish. I never imagined I would have a son with cancer.
I was driving in to work this morning and heard that there's only 37 days until Christmas and then when I got here, I received a message from my cousin asking about Thanksgiving. It's just surreal. The year has gone so quickly. I've gone through more emotional upheaval in the last year than I have in my whole life (and that's saying a lot).
Tanner will have maintained remission for one year in December. We've come a long way from that horrible day last year when we first received the news. At least now we are living each day with hope.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
He said he had a good time but I think the majority of teenagers were younger than him. He's at this point where he's younger than all the patients going through treatment for Multiple Myeloma in Arkansas but older than most of the kids having treatment at Cooks.
Dr. Albritton asked him today to consider "designing" a website for their practice targeted at teenagers. I think it's something he should consider and that we should look further into. He's always been good at computers and this would give him something productive and helpful to focus on for a while.
I stood in the doorway and watched as they pushed his chemo meds today and I had one of those surreal moments when it hit me again that my baby has cancer. This flush and tingle spreads throughout my body. I ask myself how this could have happened and I know that all the other parents sitting in that waiting room must have those moments all the time too.
He's going to spend some time with his grandfather in Abilene and is leaving Thursday. It will be good for them to spend some time together.
Anyway, I've been awake since 2:00 a.m. and am pretty tired and drained so I think I will wrap it up for this entry.