An Emotional Trip

Tanner is actually in Oklahoma right now with Cearra and her mom and I'm having a quiet night at home.  The weather tonight was absolutely beautiful and I went for a long walk as the sun was setting for the day.

Yesterday, I headed down to Clarksville to put flowers on the graves of my mom, dad, and two brothers and it was an emotional trip.  How do you drive to a cemetery where the majority of your family rests (aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents - in addition to those from my immediate family) and not think about death?

I was 15 years old when my 20 year old brother was killed, had a two year old toddler when my mom went into a coma and passed away, had two young sons when my dad passed, and then endured the pain when my youngest brother became addicted to drugs and shot and killed himself.

I've watched my oldest son battle his demons with manic depression and drug addictions... rehabs and prisons...

I watched my baby face cancer and I thought that was the worst of my worries.  I thought, when he reached remission, that my biggest fear would be if he were to relapse...  Then the insidious disease of addiction took hold of him too... and I found all new depths to my worries and despair.

With the help of Dr. Albritten and her staff - and Granny Jane and Pop Jerry - Tanner has turned his life around.  He's beaten off his addictions to the pain medicines that were prescribed for his treatment, has started college, and has found a girlfriend (something I didn't know if he would ever have the chance to experience when he was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma two years ago) and above all else, remains in full remission.

But, being me..  I still worry.... what if... what if...  I'm always waiting on the next "shoe to drop"... the next disaster...

I drove to that cemetery yesteday and I put out the flowers and I remembered my family... and I wept...  My family is almost all gone and those that remain, are largely fractured and broken... and it's so very sad... and I'm so very alone with this despair and worry...  I miss my mother, my memaw... I miss them all... but my mother and my memaw... oh how they would have been there for us during this journey with Tanner's cancer...  I miss their unconditional love...

After the cemetery, I went to dinner with my Aunt Onvie, whom I hadn't seen in a few years, and we talked and talked about the family and she gave me some of that unconditional family love that I've missed over these last few years.  I wish my boys had a chance to know her and their cousins better... the way we all were a knit family when my grandmother was still alive.

I truly don't know what me and my boys would have done, would do now, without Granny Jane and Pop Jerry... but sitting beside those graves, I wept for the loss of my family... for that love that I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that they all felt for me... for all of their family...

I'm having a hard time.  My "motto" when I'm depressed has long been "fake it until you feel it"; put on a smile and eventually you will start to feel better...  but I'm having a hard time pulling out of this depression...

My friend, Shirley (that we met in Arkanasas when she was going through her MM treatment) has been emailing me and asking about me and Tanner.  I told her I'm having a hard time and that she wouldn't believe some of the thoughts that cross my mind.  She told me to ask for help... to talk to Dr. Albritten.... 

She's right, it's time for me to ask for help...  So tomorrow, I'm attending an adults class comprised of married and single adults who meet, talk, socialize, and support each other.  The man I've been emailing about the group said that a woman is speaking tomorrow about the struggles she's faced as a single mom in today's world...  Probably a good group for me to start with. 

I've always been a little introverted...  okay, a lot introverted.... so walking into that room by myself won't be easy for me to do but I'm hoping it will be a good thing for me to do...

I'm also planning to talk to Dr. Albritten this week about the fact that I'm having a hard time pulling out of this bout of depression.  I don't have insurance so I've been hesitant to seek medical help - but she knows our history the last two years and I think it's time to admit to her how I'm struggling...

When we were in Arkansas, things, in many ways, were "easier"... We were so focused on Tanner's treatment and dealing with the unbelievable illness caused by the chemo, there was very little room for any other thoughts.  Now that he's doing so much better, isn't sick from his treatment, is going to school, has turned his life around - I have too much time to think... to worry...  to mourn the loss of innocence....  the thought that "this will never happen to us"... the loss of family, security, love... of oblivion...

Tanner has seen me cry these last few weeks way too many times.  It's time to seek the help I need to pull out of this and for me to turn my life around... like he's done these last several months.





We're going to be okay.