Sunday, October 9, 2011


I had my grandson, Beckett, over to spend the night last night and it was wonderful!  We went to Jesse's house and I cooked dinner and he played with Eva - running and jumping and giggling... It was an almost perfect night...  I blew up the air mattress (thinking it might be a little less scary to say we were going to watch a movie in the living room than telling him let's go to bed) and we put in "Rio" - and he spent his first night alone with Maw Maw..

This morning Alicia and I met and visited the First United Methodist Church in downtown Fort Worth.  The Sunday School class was good - and they discussed forgiveness...  and it touched chords in my heart.

We attended the contemporary service that they call "11:11" and it was really nice. The music was wonderful... a cello, mandolin, tubas, flutes, and guitars... and wonderful vocalists...  The speaker was in no way your old fashioned minister, but his message, too, dealt on forgiveness - and I left feeling uplifted and glad that we went.

Church was followed by lunch with Alicia and, following a night spent with my grandson and family, it was a good start to my Sunday.

Tanner is in Corpus Christi with his dad and grandfather and judging by his texts and pictures, he's having a wonderful time...  A much needed break for all of them...

I came home from lunch and thought I would have just a lazy day at the house but the walls started closing in on me.

Dr. Albritton had recommended that Tanner and I go and see the movie "50/50" and I started thinking about going - but then thought, "No, I should wait and go with Tanner"... and then I thought, "No... no - it would probably be best that I see this movie on my own."

It deals with a young man in his twenties who's diagnosed with a rare form of cancer and is given only a 50/50 chance of surviving.

A young man with a rare form of cancer and low odds of beating the disease...  I decided seeing the movie on my own would be best - so off I went for a Sunday evening at the cinema...

It was a very good movie...  but not for everyone... Lots of cursing (and medical marijuana).  Being the mother of two sons, I could handle the reality of much of what was dealt with and how it was presented. 

I sat in the dark theater and I would think, "Oh, that's how I felt"... "I wonder if that's the look that was in my eyes??"...  I would wonder,"Is that how Tanner felt?"...  "Is that how Tanner feels?"

A scene where the young man is sitting in a car and he screams...  He screams for all he's worth...  till there's no more scream left in him... and I thought, "I've done that... I wonder if Tanner's done that?"

It dealt unrepentantly with many of the aspects of a young person who is diagnosed with cancer...  How their young friends, who love them deeply, might not know how to express their love and concern...  How some of their friends might leave them because they just can't deal with the reality...

I sat in that darkened theater and I wept...

I got in the car and plugged in the IPOD and put on my Hallelujah playlist and drove home emotionally wrung out...  I put my earphones in and listened to the same playlist and went for a long walk on this beautiful, cool, and rainy evening... and here I am.... 

It was a hard movie for me to watch.... I'm glad I went.... and I'm glad I was alone...

I don't know if I've mentioned it (LOL), but I've been struggling lately... Donna at work made me "pinky promise" that I would email Dr. Albritton and let her know about some of my issues... So I did... and she emailed me back - and then followed up with a calll. 

She said that with all the issues I've had, it's not unexpected that during this "calm" I would have some sort of a breakdown...  She said they've been worried all along how well I was handling "everything" that we've endured these last years....

She asked hard questions and I gave her honest answers and she told me that I wasn't unusual... that I'm not crazy - and that the good thing is I reached out... I reached out and asked for help....

I've committed to see a psychologist over at the Moncrief Cancer Center - and I'm going to call to make the appointment this next week.

I keep telling Donna that "it's going to be okay", and I'm sure it will be, eventually, but it's just hard...  It's hard...

I know I'm not the only mother who's had a child with a terminal illness... I know people who've lost a child...  I know it could be worse.... it could always be worse.... but this is our journey... this is where we're at now - and it's hard... 

No one can fix me; make me happy, change my reality... except myself...  I've reached out and Dr. Albritton responded and I'm going to get some help, because like she told me, I need to deal with my issues while things are "calm" because it won't remain this way...  There will be another catastrophe, more problems, more health issues - and I'm going to need to be strong.

So, it will be okay.

Baby I have been here before
I know this room, I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you.
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
Love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

1 comment:

  1. Even though I don't make as many posts on this as I have in the past, I want you all to know I look at every day. I know what "a trip" this has been for you all and all of the family who love Tanner very much. I wish I could take the uncertainity out of all of this and make Tanner well again. I have always been "a fixer" and this is one thing I cannot fix. But I have something even better.....GOD.....He is the one who is in control. He is the one who cares about each and every person He has created. Any of us could suffer a major health issue at any time. Any of use could suffer a fatal accident at any time. Life is up and down, back and forth. I am learning to enjoy it each day as it comes and not to take things for granted. Hard to do and I am not real successful with it. I do think about it a lot and try to practice it. My life has never been any better than it is right this minute. Yesterday as I was walking in the park I was kicking down all these hundreds of fireant beds that have come up since it has rained. I wondered if we were in a peoplebed somewhere and something could come along and kick it down. I guess mother nature does that pretty regularly. All this to say, live today, be happy, be with loved ones as often as possible, enjoy the sunshine, the rain, the green grass and trees, the barren trees and dead grass, the flowers, the bees, the birds and all the other creatures of this vast earth. I am here for you all anytime. I love you both so very much and I pray that all your days ahead will be happy ones regardless of the circumstances.