Thursday, October 13, 2011
A Balancing Act
On the way there, I kept telling myself I was fine. I was thinking "Why am I doing this? Everyone gets drepressed sometimes. She will wonder why I am even here".
I arrived and she took me back to the room and told me that this visit was going to be a little more "formal" than future visits and that she needed to gather some background information. Then she started asking me about my family, my childhood, my marriage, my relationships, my sons, and myself - and the tears started flowing....
She says that with my family history, I am chemically predisposed for depression and asked how in the world was I coping everyday with all the extra issues in my life - and I told her that I don't have a choice. What do you do? It's just me and I have to get up and go to work; I have to function. She said that they "see that all the time in women". That just because you keep functioning every day doesn't mean that you arent' depressed.
We talked for over an hour and at the end of that time, she told me she thinks I'm having some significant depression problems and that she wants me to commit to a year of working through some of these issues... of getting the help that she thinks I need.
She said that depression, for many people, is an hereditary illness... like diabetes, or any other illness. It isn't something to be ashamed of - and it isn't something you can wish away - and it isn't something that is often understood by the vast majority of people who don't have any experience with it in their lives.
I told her that I've tried counseling off and on through the years and that I'm not good at it; that opening up to people doesn't come naturally to me... but I also told her that with Trevor's mental issues and Tanner's cancer, I've reached a place in my life where I know I have to do something.
I told her that I have a friend, Donna, who has been there for me for over thirty years. She's my family - the one I can always count on no matter what - and I have to force myself to talk to her. I have to force myself to go out with her to eat, to the movies, just out... because my instinct is to just hide in my bedroom... to withdraw... but I have been trying. I have been going out - and I have been reaching out to my friends.
I know all the positive things I need to do. I know that it could be worse... I know that I have so many people who love and care for me and the boys... I know I need to live in the moment... I know all of those things, but I'm struggling...
I've reached out to my friends and have been going out with them, I've been visiting churches, and I've admitted to the doctor that I'm struggling. I've been doing what I can to pull out of this.... but I am who I am.... and I'm doing what I need to do...
So, since I don't have insurance, she's going to talk to the psychiatrist on staff and see what they feel my next step should be. Commiting to a year of treatment isn't going to be cheap... so believe me, I'm back to telling myself I can do this on my own. I've always been able to do this on my own.
Please don't think I go around all the time in tears... I laugh every day, I enjoy the people I work with, I spend time with my friends and family, and I especially enjoy spending time with my grandson Beckett (my granddaughter lives out of town and I don't get to see her very often). I find enjoyment in life almost every day... but at the same time I also struggle on an almost daily basis... It's a balancing act...
I guess we'll see where it goes from here.
In the meantime, Tanner is doing great! He says he's doing good in school in all subjects except math and when I talked to him about a math tutor, he says he has a friend who has been helping him.
His health has been stabilized, school is going well, and his relationship with Cearra seems to be moving right along.
He's come so far in the last year! It's been nice to have my sweet Tanner back these last several months!!