Survival

So... I logged onto Facebook and saw an entry from Tanner (he's not home from school yet) and it says that he did his Powerpoint presentation at school tonight (about Texas Death Row) and that it went well and that the professor told him he did a good job!  Yay!!  I know he's been working hard and seems to be giving school all he can.  A mother couldn't really ask for more.  I've always told him to just do the best he can and ask for help when he needs it.

I'm so proud of the progress he's made in the last several months.  He texted me tonight to ask a question - and I became frustrated and in answering, I went too far... Said too much...   After a bit, I texted him back that I was sorry... that I've been stressed and that I sometimes "go off" and say too much.  He responded that it was okay, that he knows that I, "deal with emotions" like he does and "that's mostly alone and kept in" and that he was sorry that he "hasn't always been the son that he can be".  I told him I was the one sorry for overreacting, that he's been doing good, and that I love him very much.

See...  we often communicate via text...  Today's world! 

I work all day and then he's in school when I get home.  If we're lucky, we have a few minutes conversation before I go to bed - but since he has a girlfriend now, somedays I don't see him at all.  On most days, I'm thankful for texting!

He's 19 and it's not all perfect, but what a sweet son he is...  I hope and pray every day for his health - and that he will make good choices...  I'm sure that's what most parents of 19 year olds do on a daily basis. 

He's actually been doing so well on all fronts of his life for quite a while now...  I find myself spending a lot of time on my own...  I was talking with Donna at work about it this week and I told her I was so gratelful for his continued good health and how well he's doing in his personal life, but as he's becoming more independent, I'm finding myself floundering here on my own...  I've wanted him to become independent, both of my boys, for a long time.  I've worked and waited on the day for them to become responsible independent young men and now it looks like that day is approaching...  Not toally here yet, but there - in sight...  and thank goodness for it!  Two years ago we didn't even know if Tanner would be here at this date and time!

I've spent so much of the last two years solely focused on his health...  getting him to tests, treatments, making sure he takes his medicine... picking him up off the floor when he was too sick to rise himself...  Now I find myself with all this time on my hands...

I've spent so many years pretty much solely focused on my sons.  There was so much going on in their lives - it consumed me...  Then Tanner got cancer and all traces of any life beyond taking care of him and getting as much work done as I could - simply disappeared...

Now here we are.  Tanner goes for his weekly chemo (which luckily doesn't make him sick) attends school four nights a week, does his homework, and spends as much time as he can with his girlfriend...  and here I sit... still worrying...  waiting for that other shoe to drop... the next catastrophe... and I need to stop that...

I realize how alone I've allowed myself to become.  I've narrowed my life down to counting on just a few things and people - to the point that I've largely isolated myself.  I'm not the best of friends...  I'm not "easy"...  I don't call as much as I should (I'm horrible with talking on the phone), so I allow too much time to pass before I reach out to my friends...  so much time that I'm sometimes surprised that I still have that core group that are still there for me through thick and thin - no matter how hard things become or how far I pull away.  I am blessed for you Donna, Sandy, my other Donna, Alicia, Sherry.... Thank you all for being there for me.  I love you all...

Tanner and I have been visiting McKinney Bible Church off and on for a while now and this past Sunday I went to their "adults" group.  They had a lady talking about surviving in todays world... but it dealt largely with pornography and how it's a much larger problem than most of us realize...  Not quite what I was looking for when I went to the session.  My thoughts in attending the adults group was that I hoped to make myself meet new people - and as large as McKinney Church is I thought their group might be a possible answer... but I really didn't "feel it" in the meeting Sunday.

First United Methodist in downtown Fort Worth has several groups and they break it down into ages 30-40's.. 40's-50's... and from checking out their calendar I see that they do all kinds of things...  This week they have "Meet, Eat, and Chat" at a popular mexican restaurant, Cha-Cha dance lessons, volunteering at a homeless shelter, dinner and a movie, and a patio party.... all in addition to the church events.  I raised my boys going to a Methodist church...   Maybe this will feel more comfortable to me.

Alicia at work and I talked about it and I think we are going to visit the church Sunday and attend the 40-50's class and see what we think.  I need to broaden my horizons...  I need to get out of my house - my bedroom - and try not to worry and obsess all the time... over things I have no control of.    I need to find my way back from just simply surviving the days to wanting to actually, really LIVE again.

Tanner is doing so well... It's time for mom to do better too!  I'm going to try....


Intuition is the clear conception of the whole at once... Johann Kaspar Lavater