What can I say

When you're young and you consider what you're going to be "when you grow up", you have all these grand visions...

Believe me, I never once envisioned where my life is now.  Sometimes the pain and fear is so great, I can barely breathe.  Like now...

I went out with my friend Donna tonight and I had a good time.  We laughed and laughed - and all the time deep down inside me is this great welling pain.  I come home and, once again, lock myself in my bedroom for another night.

Sometimes, it's almost more than I can bear to just place one foot in front of the other.  I have to make myself get up and go through the motions and I keep waiting for things to ease. I keep thinking tomorrow will be a better day.

You have beautiful babies and you wonder what they will be when they "grow up" and you never consider one of them will fight great demons of mental turmoil and no matter how much you try, you can't "fix him".

You have these dreams and plans for your life and then you walk into a doctor's office one day and they tell you your baby has incurable cancer.

You try to get him the treatment that he needs to save his life and you have to fight these insurance companies every step of the way.  The doctor says he needs all of these tests and the insurance company says no, there's no need for tests because the cancer doesn't seem to be worsening or progressing.

You wake up one morning and you get an email from the doctor and he tells you that it is "crucial that Tanner receives the best medical care possible for the next three to five years especially" and he asks you if you will pack up your son and move to another state so that he can receive that care.

You're born into your family and you think they will always be there and then they die too early, or you grow apart...

There are people you love and who love you and you think they will always be there for you and then one day you turn around and they are gone - and there you are...

Here I am...