I've had some people suggest just moving Tanner's care strictly to Fort Worth/Dallas but actually, from what I understand, the denial has nothing to do with whether the tests are performed in Texas or Arkansas but are instead based on the fact that Medicaid doesn't think there's reason to do further tests at this time. I don't think it would do any good to try and change doctors at this point at all. In fact, it would probably slow things down even further to start over with some other practice at this juncture.
Dr. Albritton's office contacted me today and she wants to see Tanner tomorrow since things with Arkansas have stalled out. It's been three weeks since he's seen a physician or had any kind of treatment and she feels that he needs to come in for a consultation. When I told Bonnie at MIRT that we were going to see Dr. Albritton tomorrow, she asked for me to have them do full labwork on Tanner so that they can check the status of his Mutiple Myeloma since he hasn't had treatment now for three weeks.
Some kind of flu bug made it's way through my household and, of course, it seemed to hit Tanner harder than it did any of the rest of us. He has been really sick and he and his brother, Trevor, spent most of their time in bed or on the couch all weekend long.
He seems to feel better today and he and Trevor are cleaning up our back yard and enjoying the beautiful weather while they can.
I'm sure most everyone must get tired of hearing me complain and whine on the blog about all of my worries, but I've been in a really bad place mentally for a long while now.
One of my cousins asked me the other day what happened to my "enjoying the moment" and not worrying so much but, no matter how much I might wish otherwise, I seem to have a hard time not obsessing about the future - or even the past - even though I know there isn't much I can do to change the facts of my life.
I'm sure it's been pretty obvious from many of my recent posts that there have been issues in mine and Tanner's lives over the last several months. Our extended family has fractured and this feeling of sadness and worry just permeates most of my waking moments.
I've come to realize that I base much of my happiness on other people. People who I love and who have come to mean so much to me over the years. The loss, and potential loss, of these loved ones has caused me to reflect on my life...
Am I happy with who I am? Are there things I need to change in my life that might make me a healthier person? How do I become a stronger individual? How do I become happier in myself? How do I learn to stop worrying about what I can't control? What does it take to become content in yourself and not count on others to make you happy? I'm nearly 49 years old and I'm still a mess; a work in progress...
I've gone back and forth about how much honesty, once again, to put out here on the blog. I don't want to hurt anyone in my family when their friends and family read something here - but on the other hand, I'm a pretty open person and have found that venting on the blog seems to help me in so many ways...
Last year Tanner was given prescriptions for nerve and pain medicines. As you can imagine, facing cancer can cause some serious depression and anxiety - thus the need for the nerve medications. Also, having over a hundred cancerous lesions in the bones throughout his body and a broken leg that just won't heal, resulted in some deep rooted pain - and so pain pills were also prescribed.
I'm just going to put it out here simply; Tanner became addicted to these medications. We've faced the issue and with the love and support of his family and some counseling and care by his doctors (who have been told everything), social workers, and counselors he's been doing quite well for several months now...
This last year Tanner saw, up close and personal, how addiction can, and does, impact our family. He's realized that he's not the only one who has to face the repercussions when he makes a mistake or a thoughtless decision. He's seen some serious pain...
For months now, he's been doing very well. He's trying his best to turn his life around, help me around the house, and be the person that we all know he can be. He's not perfect, but he is a sweet, good hearted young man and I couldn't love him more. I think he's going to be okay... I need for him to be okay...
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