I know it's supposed to be the season of joy, but it's actually my least favorite time of year. I haven't gotten through a Christmas in years without shedding at least a few tears. I always think of the family that I've lost on the holidays... Mom, Dad, Memaw, Dewane, Brad, Aunt Bille, Uncle Big Boy, Earl, Kelson... I've had so much love, and so much grief in my life... I always miss the ones I've loved and lost the most, it seems, on the holidays.
Last year was absolutely the worst Christmas I've ever had but I plan on this year being a much better holiday. My thoughts are to keep it small and simple.
Yesterday, I spent the early part of the day with my friend Donna in Burleson and we shopped till we dropped. Then, in the evening I received my first (early) Christmas gift... It was the best gift anyone could have given me! Something I'll use and treasure every single day... So, it ended up being a wonderful day spent with those closest to me. I needed to have such a day. Today I'm spending wrapping gifts, and then I can relax and just wait for Christmas to arrive.
Tanner has been a little sick for the last couple of weeks with a cough and congestion. Since it has been dragging on so long, Dr. Albritton had a chest x-ray done at his appointment this week just to be sure he's not getting pneumonia - and everything looked ok. When he catches a cold, it's just harder for him to shake it off with his low immune system.
He's actually surprised me this past month with the news that he asked Cearra to marry him. I know... He's only 19 and she's just turning 18... Very young! The best thing is they know that they need to have a looooong engagement so that they both can finish school and get on their feet before they do anything as major as actually marry. I guess they just want to announce their commitment to each other.
They went shopping yesterday with Cearra's mother and checked out some rings. Tanner seemed a little shell shocked with the price so, hopefully, they realize the expense of marriage... of life in general... and will stay focued on school and finding jobs before they proceed further than just the promise they've made to each other at this point.
He's finished his finals at TCC and we'll see how his grades all turned out, but this next semester he's going to go on to the technical school to pursue a Microsoft Certification. As I mentioned before, he's ready to move on with an independent life (as is displayed by his desire to marry Cearra) and I'm ready to downsize and focus on a life of my own.
For the last couple of years I've let pain and worry overwhelm my whole existence, but no more... I'm determined to turn my life around. A new year is approaching and it will be a better year than the last two have been. New Years is a time for "resolutions" and I resolve that this next year will be a better year. A happier year...
The risk of love is loss, and the price of loss is grief - but the pain of grief is only a shadow when compared with the pain of never risking love...