Wednesday, September 22, 2010

About time for AR

Well, it's nearly that time again.  We head back to Little Rock Tuesday for the re-staging tests and to find out if Tanner is going to have to have surgery or not on the broken leg.

The Arkansas tension has arrived.

I was "ok" all day at work today and then I went out to dinner and started crying and have been crying off and on all evening.

I saw what my mom went through with all of her children, but I never truly grasped the worry that a parent endures until I had my boys.

On another note, we have this thing in our family called a "Cemetery Working" where we take flowers down to the cemetery in Red River where most of our family is buried.  You place the flowers on the graves and have a picnic out in front in the designated picnic area.  My mom, dad, two brothers, grandmother, and aunts and uncles are buried there. 

The Cemetery Working (or as my Aunt Tincey says, Homecoming) is the first Saturday of October, which is the Saturday that Tanner and I return from Arkansas.  I keep going back and forth about whether or not I should take the flowers on down there this weekend (I promised my mom I would make sure there were flowers there) or stop on the way back from Little Rock the morning of the Cemetery Working. 

My fear is, what if something happens that stops me from getting there Saturday morning?  Tanner has two doctor's appointments Friday which most likely means we will be there all day.  Depending on how late we get through will depend on when we can head back to Texas and, though I plan on going to the homecoming, what if we just can't make it?

I think my plan is that when I get off work this Friday afternoon, I'm going to head on down there and put out the flowers (I already have them in my car).  That way I won't have to worry about them.  They will be there for the homecoming regardless of whether or not Tanner and I get to stop there Saturday morning or not.

My hesitation is that I'm kind of a basket case right now and I don't know how well a trip to the cemetery, where most of my family is buried, will sit with me right now. 

Oh well, maybe it will be good for me.

I'm a mess.  Sometimes, I seem ok but I think deep down, I'm always really a mess.

I wonder what is going on deep down inside of Tanner?

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