Sunday, May 29, 2011


I've been remiss in keeping up with the blog.  I apologize...  I've been so extremely busy at work that by the time I get home, the last thing I've felt like doing is sitting down in front of the computer again.

We visited with Dr. Nathan Gilbert this past week and Tanner has decided to go ahead with surgery on his right hip. 

This has been his decision.  He's the one who approached his Fort Worth doctors - and then also Dr. Berryman in Dallas - and asked to see someone about the lesion in his right femur.

The pain has been worsening and, from what I understand, it's almost like a toothache.  That deep throbbing pain that is ever present.  He can learn to live with it, but it's always there, and it wears on him day in and day out.

Then there's also the worry that he's been dealing with... the "what if the bone snaps"...  "what if I make a sudden pivot on my foot and the hip bone just gives out"... "how long would I be disabled if the hip breaks"...??

As he told Dr. Berryman and Dr. Gilbert, it's been two years since his left tibia broke and it's only now healing; how long would it take for the femur to heal if it were to break?  How long would he be disabled?  How badly would it hurt?  Could he be crippled for the rest of his life? 

Both doctors told him that they agree with him.  He's only 19 and will want to live as active a life as he can; he shouldn't have to live with the constant worry of his hip breaking...

When we went to see Dr. Gilbert, I thought he would talk about all the different options and we could just see what possibilities would be available.  The next thing I knew, surgery was scheduled for this coming Thursday.

Of course, I'm his mom, so now the worry has set in...  What if they shatter the bone?  Multiple Myeloma bones are not like regular bones - what if something goes wrong?  Then there's the fact that he's on Zometa (a bone strengthener) that hardens the bones...  Dr. Gilbert has done this procedure on other Multiple Myeloma patients and it's not that I disagree with the idea of surgery, it's just that I'm "mom" and I worry.

Tanner tells me this is his decision - and I guess it's time I start letting go and letting him start to take control.  This is his life and he's going to have to live that life with cancer every day for as long as he lives...  I have to start stepping back and let him take the lead...

How did this happen?  How did we come to this... to a place in our lives where I have to step back and let my son deal with decisions regarding his own cancer treatment?  I've been "fine" all day... why do I feel like crying tonight?

You know me by now; tomorrow will be a better day... A day spent with my grandson and then a barbecue with friends!

"People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bull.... Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.”..Jim Morrison

1 comment:

  1. Angie: Tanner is such an inspiration. What strength and courage he has. You are a wonderful role model for him!

    Prayers for successful surgery....and hugs to you!