Struggling A Little

So... Tanner has been struggling for a few weeks now...

We went out to eat Saturday evening with Granny Jane and Pop Jerry and he could only get down a few bites of his food - and he ended up in tears.  Granny could hardly stand it and was asking him what was wrong... feeling to see if he had fever... asking if he's been eating... and you could tell she just wanted to "fix" what was wrong with him. The thing is, there's nothing we can all really do but support and love him, try to take care of him to the best of our ability, and pursue some help from the doctors.  He finally admitted to her that he is "worried"...

I can only imagine what it's like to be twenty years old and have Multiple Myeloma... To have bones that ache on a daily basis. To have the specter of dealing with this for the rest of his life.

I can't help but feel that a large part of what is happening to Tanner (back pain, arm and leg muscle spasms, and nausea) are side effects of the chemo treatment that he's been receiving for three years now.  When he was in Arkansas, Dr. Barlogie would give him "chemo breaks" every once in a while - whether it was a few days or, occasionally, a couple of weeks.  Since he's been under the supervision of Texas Oncology (and not MIRT), he hasn't had any kind of break in well over a year now...

I reached out to him yesterday to see if he was feeling any better and he told me "not really"... His body hurts, he's nauseous, and he's worried...  Today he texted me that his collarbone is feeling "weird" and he wanted to know when his next appointment with Dr. Gilbert (the Orthopedic Surgeon who put the rod in this left tibia and his right hip) is and I told him that it's tomorrow afternoon. He said, "Good, I have some questions for him".  In addition to that appointment, he sees Dr. Dean at the Fort Worth Texas Oncology this coming Friday - and then Dr. Berryman in Dallas the next Wednesday.  We both have some questions for all of these doctors.

After going out Saturday evening and sitting across the table from him and observing as he tried to get down a few bites of food - and then watching as he finally just sat there next to his Granny and cried... my heart just aches.

Like Granny, I want to "fix" him... to take the hurt... the worry... away...

I came home and crawled into bed and the thoughts just swirled around and around in my head... and sleep was almost non-existent... 



The child must know that he is a miracle, that since the beginning of the world there hasn't been, and until the end of the world there will not be, another child like him...Pablo Casals