I've been awake since 4:30 a.m. listening to the rain. My mind was restless last night so I took half a sleeping pill and it knocked me out for about six hours and now, here I am at 4:30 in the morning on the computer.

I started to just get ready and go on into work but Tanner is going with me today to work on a school packet and he probably wouldn't be too interested in getting up this early in the morning.

I can already feel the tension building with just the thought of having to go back to Arkansas. I know this trip is just tests (which is bad enough since I know that Tanner is going to have to have to endure two bone marrow biopsies and aspirations in a row this time since they are performing another gene array), but deep down in the dark recesses of my soul is that little fear of "what if". What if something shows and they want to do more chemotherapy?

How long does this fear last? How long do you worry that these tests will show that the cancer is back? Tanner and I have talked about it, and our guess is that we will worry for the rest of his life.

He seems to do a better job than I do of putting that worry aside and just living life. Maybe it's his young age or maybe, like me, he just tries to bury those fears deep down and not let anyone else see that they exist.

We went to see Dr. Daniels, his Pediatrician, the other day and Tanner hadn't been to that office in a couple of years. Dr. Daniels wrote him a prescription for the Vitamin D and sat and talked with us quite a while about Tanner's illness and mentioned that some water physical therapy might be good for him since he could exercise his body without putting weight on his legs.

He also told us that he had just received some literature on a teen cancer support group and was going to look into it for us and would give us some contact information. I just feel that it would be good for Tanner to be able to meet and talk to some other young people who have dealt with some of the same things he has in the last six months.

I'm sure that he has thoughts, feelings, and fears inside that he doesn't talk to his family about and it might be good for him to meet some young people who would completely understand what he has been going through and who he can open up to and be completely honest. I think it's at least worth trying and seeing how it goes. Especially since once maintenance starts, Tanner's care will be done here in Fort Worth.