Fragility



A cold day with Beth



 Tanner is having a hard time shaking the cold that he picked up over Thanksgiving.  He had a culture taken at last week's chemo appointment and the doctor told him that it was viral but he still has a bad cough and lots of chest congestion.

She told him that he needs to drink lots of fluids, stay in out of the cold, and get plenty of rest.  I'm trying to get him to drink more water and not turn to the sodas so much.  As for the "plenty of rest", he still wants to stay up all night and sleep half of the day away.  I wish I could get him back to a more "normal" routine.  It just seems that teenagers prefer to stay up all night and then sleep late the next day. 

My niece, Beth, flew in last night and her dad and I picked her up from the airport and we went straight to Aunt Gerry's house for Sunday dinner.  She will be here with me until after Christmas. 

I didn't get to go to Montana and see her this past Fall as I planned to do so I hadn't seen her since June when she last came home for a short break.  I'm so glad she is here!  I'm ready for some quality time with my girl!!

The reporter from the Fort Worth Star Telegram that wrote the story about Tanner last Christmas emailed me last week and said that they are going to run a follow up article about Tanner over the holidays.  I guess something along the lines of how he is doing a year later. I'm hoping that he will let me know when the article will run so that I will be sure and not miss it.

One of my favorite agents was just diagnosed with lung cancer and found out that it has spread to his liver, bones, and brain.  They are going to do radiation on his brain Wednesday and then will start chemotherapy the Monday after Christmas.

He wasn't feeling bad at all and the only indication he had that something was wrong is that he was losing weight and his shoulder started hurting (he thought he just pulled a muscle moving a house plant).  His daughter is a nurse and is doing research looking for doctors who specialize in the type of rare lung cancer that Chet was diagnosed with.  I hope that they find someone as brilliant as we did when we found Dr. Barlogie.



Tanner and Kelson flying kite



It still hits me sometimes, how you can be going along in your everday routine not knowing anything is wrong, and then out of the blue comes a diagnosis like cancer and you come face to face with just how very fragile life is.

I have a photo of Tanner and his cousin Kelson (who died of cancer not long before Tanner was diagnosed) on my refrigerator taken at Jesse and Rebecca's wedding.  I was looking at it the other day and thought about how there was Tanner sitting with his cousin who had cancer and we didn't know that Tanner too had cancer spreading through his body.

We need to all enjoy each day, let the petty stuff go, and treasure our loved ones because none of us know what tomorrow is going to bring.

"You never leave someone behind, you take a part of them with you and leave a part of yourself behind..."

The end of a season

I probably shouldn't even attempt to blog right now. 

I've been up since 4 a.m. this morning and it's now 12:32 a.m.  I am so exhausted, but as they say, "There's no rest for the wicked"...

Tanner went to his chemo appointment this past Wednesday and they ended up having to give him a breathing treatment.  He just can't seem to shake the cold that he caught on Thanksgiving.  Since the treatment, he does seem a littler better these past couple of days.

Of course, the illness made the rounds through this family with first Tanner getting sick, then Trevor and then, of course, myself.  I ended up missing 2-1/2 days of work this week, but on the other hand, I was brought a care package of  flowers (daisies - my favorite) and soup.  It's the small things that sometimes touch your heart the most.

I'm feeling quite a bit better physically today.  I was out first thing this morning and just about finished my Christmas shopping, went to the office and worked for a while and made up some of the time I missed while ill this week, and then spent some time with my family (loved the "new" drink Jess).

Christmas is fast approaching.  I know it's the "joyous" time of year but since my mom, dad, two brothers, and grandmother have all passed; I usually have a hard time around the holidays. 

I'm going to try and make Christmas special this season where we can celebrate Tanner having maintained remission for a year.  I need to stop wallowing in my own self pity and enjoy the simple fact that he continues to hold cancer at bay.

Won't it be interesting to see what's in store for the coming year?  Hahahaha, (sometimes I have to laugh or I will cry).

Anyway, I just wanted to give an update.  I guess it's time to try and get some sleep. 

"Ah, when to the heart of man
Was it ever less than a treason
To go with the drift of things,
To yield with a grace to reason,
And bow and accept the end
Of a love or a season?"  - Robert Frost

Thanksgiving Wknd

Thanksgiving has come and gone.  Some of it was great; some not so great.

I laughed some and I cried some.  The story of my life lately...

Tanner woke up with a very sore throat on Thanksgiving and decided he just couldn't go anywhere.  He and Trevor stayed at the house and I went to my cousin Kathy's for lunch (so much food!). Then later, went to my cousin Jesse's house (at the sweet request of little Eva) and watched the Cowboy's game and had breakfast for dinner. 

It was a really nice Thanksgiving and I brought home plates of food and desserts for Tanner and Trevor.

I was supposed to go out to the lakehouse with a few of my cousins for the weekend but the next morning Tanner still wasn't feeling very well.  I decided to take him to the Minor Emergency Center in Mansfield just to check things out.  The doctor said the throat was red but they did a strep test and it came back negative.  He prescribed some antibiotics just to be sure and cover any possible infections and Tanner told me to go on to the lake.

It was a near perfect weekend on lake Palo Pinto with beautiful weather.  We sat on the deck, talked, read, took some boat rides, the guys fished, and Kathy and I had a few margaritas and danced to Lynyrd Skynyrd.

Tanner went to the Oncologist on Tuesday and his throat seemed to be all better but they found that his Vitamin D level is low so they are going to start giving it to him at his weekly doctor appointments.  I would think this can only be helpful in mending his broken leg...

“Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever.” - Lance Armstrong

Happy Thanksgiving - 2010

Happy Thanksgiving.

The boys are gone this evening and I've made the broccoli salad and the no bake cookies.  I've got the plates, cups, forks, and napkins all ready to go.  Everthing is ready for the big meal tomorrow and I've taken my Tyelnol P.M. and am waiting to crash.

Tanner is at a concert with his girlfriend and her dad.  He seems to be doing really well lately.  Of course, I worry about him at a concert on his crutches but when I said something to him he said that he could sit and things would be fine.  I hope so.

I was going stir crazy at the house tonight.  I couldn't settle down to read or watch a movie so I went out for a drive.  Let's just say it didn't make things any better.

My heart is aching at this moment and I'm just worn out from my internal turmoil.  I've been thinking about Thanksgiving and what all I have to be thankful for.  It seems that, no matter how I might moan here on the blog (so sorry), I do have a lot to be thankful for:

In December Tanner will have been in remission for a year.  He tolerates his maintenance chemo well and seems to be doing great in his personal life lately.  Thankful?  Thankful doesn't describe the depth of my feelings for this fact...

Trevor has been doing well lately also and has a possible job opportunity and is supposed to call the man back next week after the holidays to "get the ball rolling".  My grandson, Beckett, turned two today and is a sweetheart.  I haven't seen my granddaughter Kayleigh in a while but she turns three in December.  She too is a sweetheart and I hope to see her soon.  I have wonderful friends; Donna (she's been with me through it all), Sandy (who remains a true friend no matter how much time passes between visits), and Kelsey (a wonderful mother to my grandson who has become an essential friend to me) just to name a few and their wonderful families whom I've also grown close to over these many years.

I'm thankful for my brother Terry and his wife Cathy and my nephews Dewane and Myles.  I'm grateful for my niece TD and for all of my great nieces and nephews.  Though I might not see them often, I love them all.

I'm thankful for my Uncle Little Boy and his wife Suzy, my Aunt Onvie, and all my cousins (even though I don't get to see them very often anymore) and I'm so thankful for my Aunt Tincey and her kids and grandkids in Arkanas.  They open their home to us every time we return for Tanner's tests and always make us feel so at home.

I'm thankful for MIRT and Dr. Barlogie for taking such good care of Tanner this last year and working so hard to save his life.  Just writing this sentence is so inadequate.  There are no words to describe my thankfulness for Dr. Barlogie and the staff at UAMS.

I'm thankful for Shirley, Tom, Harris, Anastasia, John, and Lauren who all became very special friends while we spent those long six months in Little Rock while Tanner, Harris, Shirley, and John underwent their treatment.  You can't get through those times without friends like these.

I'm thankful for my boy's grandmother Jane and grandfather Jerry for loving us so and always being there for us.  I'm thankful for their Dad, stepmother, and grandfather for loving the boys no matter what.

I'm thankful for my job and the people I work with. Pat, Bruce, Alicia, and all my agents - again there are just no words adequate to express my appreciation for all you've done for me and Tanner this last year.

I'm thankful to Traci and her family and also Big Granny and Aunt Judy - and all the family on that side who have supported Tanner and I this last year.

I've saved them for last...  Probably because they are so very essential to me and my survival.  I am so thankful to my Aunt Gerry and her kids Kathy, Kirk, Kevin, Joan, Bobby and Diana.  They took me in over twelve years ago when my life drastically changed and have taken care of me and my boys ever since.  I'm thankful also for all their kids who have become like my own, Jesse, Rebecca, Iris, Eva, Kelson, Brian, Linda, Brennan, Stephen, and Beth (the daughter of my heart).  I love them all...

I'm thankful that, though time doesn't erase, it does heal...

So, Happy Thanksgiving to all of you...

"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another."

Someone there for me

I had a really rough night - and a pretty rough day.

I would say that I had maybe three hours of restless sleep last night.  I find that my mind goes round and round and I just can't shut it down.

Then I went to work this morning and the tears just started flowing.  After an hour or so, I got it back together and the rest of the work day turned out much better.

I came home from work around 4:30 p.m. and Tanner and I met with the wish granters from Make a Wish.  They had asked him to make two wishes.  The first wish being the one he would really want to do and then a second choice. 

His first choice was to go to one of the small islands of Hawaii and his second choice was Key West, Florida.

Kim (the lady from Make a Wish) asked him what kind of physical limitations he might have (since he's still in a brace and uses a crutch) and then asked him if he would like to go on a helicopter tour of the island in Hawaii.  He was really excited by the idea.  Of course, I was sitting there thinking "helicopter??". 

He told them he had done research online and if Key West was the wish granted, he would like to do a jet sky tour - and he had the information to give them on the service that provides the tours.

I hope that he gets granted one of his wishes.  It would be such a wonderful experience for him.  The wish granters that were here tonight told him it would be a vacation of his dreams; that the Make a Wish foundation goes over the top to make sure the wish is above and beyond anything you could imagine.  It would be something I would never be able to give him myself.

The other side of me just becomes very emotional that he has a disease that qualifies him for something like Make a Wish.  You would think after more than a year of this, I would not still have so many of these moments where I struggle so.

After they all left, I just sat on the couch staring into space for a long time and Trevor asked me what I was doing.  I told him I was thinking and that sometimes I just struggle.  He told me to always remember it could be worse.

Surprising as it may sound, I have issues in my own personal life that, in conjunction with Tanner's illness, overwhelm me sometimes.  Lately, I seem to have a lot of these issues and I find I can't sleep and getting through the days become a struggle.

I've been thinking about going back to the doctor and asking to be put back on anti-depressants.  I guess we'll see if I pull out of this on my own.  I really hate to go back on medication but I've got to admit some of these days have been really, really, hard.

Trevor went out for a friend's birthday and Tanner went to his girlfriend's house so I went for a long walk and ended up spending a little while this evening venting with Kirk.

Thank you Kirk, for all you've done for me and my family.

Living with hope

Things have been really quiet in regards to Tanner, his illness, and his treatment lately.

After the year we have had, that's a good thing!

We had an agent meeting for my work this past weekend that ran through Tuesday so Tanner spent some time with his dad and step-mom.  It's easier for me when I have something busy to do like the meeting where I'm going to be gone until late at night for days in a row to know that he's somewhere safe where I can count on not having to worry about him.

I know he's 18 now, but what does a mother do? It's our job to worry...  I think I worry about him more now at 18 than I did at 8. LOL!

His treatment has been going without any complications lately.  He goes back to the doctor this Friday at 1 p.m. and I need to let them know that he needs to get in and out as quickly as possible.  We have a couple coming to our home at 4:30 on Friday from the Make A Wish Foundation to talk to him about his wish.

I ask myself why this wonderful opportunity for Tanner to have a wish granted makes me feel like crying.  It's just that I never in my wildest dreams ever imagined that he would be in a position to ever be granted anything from a foundation like Make A Wish.  I never imagined I would have a son with cancer.

I was driving in to work this morning and heard that there's only 37 days until Christmas and then when I got here, I received a message from my cousin asking about Thanksgiving.  It's just surreal.  The year has gone so quickly.  I've gone through more emotional upheaval in the last year than I have in my whole life (and that's saying a lot).

Tanner will have maintained remission for one year in December.  We've come a long way from that horrible day last year when we first received the news.  At least now we are living each day with hope.

Going Okay

I took Tanner to his weekly doctor's appointment this morning and Dr. Albritton said that everything looks really good and that he is doing great.

Since they've reduced the steroids (and since Tanner has started getting more rest and taking better care of himself) he hasn't been having any problems with nausea or stomach acid and he looks so much better.

Last week he went out with a group of teenagers from Cooks.  They were supposed to go to Frightfest at Six Flags but since it started raining, they went to downtown Fort Worth and saw a movie and went out for ice cream. 

He said he had a good time but I think the majority of teenagers were younger than him.  He's at this point where he's younger than all the patients going through treatment for Multiple Myeloma in Arkansas but older than most of the kids having treatment at Cooks.

I go back and forth about whether or not we should move him to an adult practice.  They just have his treatment down so well at Cooks, I hate to disrupt the "system".  I guess we'll give it a while longer this year and then it will probably be best to move to a doctor that treats adults.  He's usually always the oldest teenager at his appointments every week and I'm sure the closer he gets to 19, the more he'll be ready to move away from the Pediatric practice.

Dr. Albritton asked him today to consider "designing" a website for their practice targeted at teenagers.  I think it's something he should consider and that we should look further into.  He's always been good at computers and this would give him something productive and helpful to focus on for a while.

I stood in the doorway and watched as they pushed his chemo meds today and I had one of those surreal moments when it hit me again that my baby has cancer.  This flush and tingle spreads throughout my body.  I ask myself how this could have happened and I know that all the other parents sitting in that waiting room must have those moments all the time too.

He's going to spend some time with his grandfather in Abilene and is leaving Thursday.  It will be good for them to spend some time together.

Anyway, I've been awake since 2:00 a.m. and am pretty tired and drained so I think I will wrap it up for this entry.